Obama Out; Biden In

Upon retrieving his moral compass from the lost-and-found bin, Barack Obama abruptly resigned from the U.S. Presidency today.

Obama apologized for running America "like a rogue nation and a failed state," saying, "I've seen the error of my ways. I've decided to stop being a war criminal, to resign the Presidency effective immediately, and to turn myself in to the International Criminal Court for prosecution."

Joe Biden became the new U.S. President in a hastily-arranged swearing in. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have to admit, this is a big fucking deal," he said. President Biden also thanked Obama for his service to the country. Oddly, Biden offered no pardon, and in response to a reporter's question said, "None will be forthcoming." He commended Obama for "doing the right thing."