I would love to know who to thank for this gem:-)
It came as an email, and I thought you all may need a laugh.
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case. And at a local level...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".
Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us".
In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and, "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.
lol.. I really did laugh out loud at that.. Thanks oz;)
ReplyDeleteBtw, all things considered, I'd rather be in Belgium eating chocolate !
Have to admit scanning through a days worth of blather about whether AJ is or is not sort-of ok had me set up nicely for this. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI remember when me old man told me about a British fighter pilot's comment on the P-51's "pilot relief" tube:
ReplyDelete"We were quite chuffed," said he, "as it was the only kite we had flown where we could have a pee."
jersey girl..no you would,nt, ....sorry... Cargills entered the choccy field in Belgium! and is using the waste glycerine from distilling the gm crapola etc as a base for a whole range of fillers fondants etc.
ReplyDeleteA friend here who distills his own ethanol uses his waste glycerine too, as a handcleaner! after contact with all the created nastiness while making the fuel, thats all we consider it fit for. Cargill sees more money processing it as a very very profitable food additive. Bad enough most commercial chocolate is more plastic than cocoa, adding fluffy fillings makes much more revenue.
Heres a laugh, I bought a choc cake mix.( Greens Brand in Aus).it had beta carotene for a reddish brown colour, ugh! and chocolate flavour...not ONE .
scrap of any cocoa in it at all.
how did it taste??, foul! one mouthful and it was thrown to the long suffering chooks, and I apologised to them too!
Ozz
ReplyDeleteyou forgot the Irish threat level Alert
Level One- Jaysus
Level Two- Fookin' Jaysus
Level Three- We're Fooked
Level Four-High Alert, Leave The Pub
I tried some attempts at Irish humor... but didn't get anywhere with it (with the Irish, anyway).
ReplyDeleteWalked into a McDonalds in Dublin (eeeewww).
Ah- I see you've got an Irish menu!
How is that sir?
Well right there... Fillet O'Fish!
scowl.
Could you tell me where I might find New Farghenwee?
Niver heard uvvit.
Well... I met a sweet young Irish thing... but she was a bit too young for me- so I asked her- ah, yer so pretty- but a bit young. Could you tell me where your mother might live? And she said:
"New Farghenwee."
scowl.
Guess ye had to be there.
Yuk oz.. And I thought Belgium chocolate was supposed to be superior.. Dammit.. nothing's good anymore.. seems all chocolate tastes waxy these days. Now I know why.
ReplyDelete